Sexual Education 1977
by UberLoopy
Summary: It's time for the third year Gryffindors to learn about sex, and McGonagall decides to let the head boy and girl run it this year. Alice shares her experiences, Sirius, Remus, and Peter demonstrate... well... just read it. Badlanguage&sexinuendoslikeCRAZY


**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters.

**Authors Note**: Sorry if this offends anyone. I've figured out I'm only good at writing very screwed up stuff, that's humorous.

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><p>"James, you are making no sense at all. All the shit that is coming out of your mouth, is shit. You're idiotic, and that demonstration is never going to work. No one will learn anything, we are doing <em>my<em> skit because it's a million times better than the shit that you pulled out of your ass!"

"Lily, come on, let's just combine them together and-"

"Compromising is for weaklings." She glared at him. "By the way, I have a few papers you need to sign for the liability contract I wrote up-"

"You mean _I_ wrote up-"

"I wrote it James, you just sat there pissing your diaper the whole time."

"Lily, you don't even know what you're talking about."

"I'm pretty sure you're the idiot who doesn't know what you're talking about. Do you even know what liability means? Dumbledore put us in charge of it, and you slept the entire time I was writing it up."

"I resent that, Evans! I helped out quite a bit, and you know it!" He stared at her, and she looked up at him, slightly nervous.

She sighed, reluctantly giving in, and looked at the ground. "Fine. You said all parents who have children who die on Hogwarts grounds have a right to get the ministry involved as long as there is undeniable proof that there were no professors watching, because every student should be, and is, monitored at all times by an adult or somebody in authority." She quoted.

"That's my girl." James said as he smiled down on her. He put a hand on her cheek and she looked up at him and into his dark hazel eyes, glistening with joy. They stood there for a little longer than two friends should, and she felt butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

"You prat." She said, breaking the silence that she was secretly enjoying. She hit him on the shoulder lightly and walked away to where the rest of the gang was meeting up to prepare for their assembly for the Gryffindor third years.

"Does that mean we're doing my skit?" James called.

"Sod off Potter!"

"Potter! Evans! Get over here!" McGonagall called in her eerily shrill voice.

Lily walked over with a smile on her face and stood beside Alice, her friend and fellow Gryffindor seventh year. Most of the Gryffindor seventh years were participating in this annual event, and McGonagall was especially proud when she assigned the head boy and girl to coordinate the entire thing, making sure that they made time for a speech from herself, and Professor Binns. Lily decided to put them both at the beginning, get the boring ones out of the way, and put a row of chairs set up for everyone participating to sit in before and after their turn speaing. Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, James Potter, Alice Prewitt, and Frank Longbottom all had a segment for the assembly.

"Hello, students," McGonagall said to the group of third years, getting ready to giggle their heads off as they learned about the human body and it's urges. "I am proud to say that this year the sex-ed presentation was not organized by any professor, but your head boy and head girl. We are going to be going through the dangers of sex, and prevention from unexpected pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseased and infections. Towards the end of this presentation, we will be having a question and answer, so hopefully all your questions will be answered.

"Now, I will start off by talking about intercourse."

McGonagall blushed slightly and Lily glanced at James, who smirked at her, clearly holding in a laugh at the memories from their own sex-ed class with McGonagall four years ago.

"You see, men have penises, and women have vaginas. When the penis is inserted into a vagina, the man will then thrust repeatedly, until he ejaculates and the woman orgasm. Cuddling after sex is very common, however some people do not like it. I, for one, am not a fan."

Sirius made gagging gestures from behind her and all the students in the audience started laughing.

"Sex is not a laughing matter, children. If it was, we would have orgies every Friday night, here!" McGonagall exclaimed. "Gain some self-control!"

"Oh, Minerva, how ignorant you are!" Alice whispered to Frank. "Has she ever even talked to a Hufflepuff?"

Frank blushed a bright red and he nodded, acting like he knew what she was talking about, when really he had no idea how promiscuous those Humping Hufflepuffs truly were.

"Now, I pass it over to Professor Binns." Professor McGonagall was now flushed at this point, and couldn't handle any more of this. It's not that she was a prude or anything, she just felt like the students were getting more promiscuous earlier and earlier every year. A stop needed to be put to these growing antics!

Professor Binns began to speak in his usually boring tone, "Now, you see, sex feels very nice, but it is not something to experience with everyone. Your private areas were given to you for one other person, not the entire Hufflepuff house, and trust me, they were a bit provocative in my day too. Don't think this is some new fad." His voice droned on, and a lot of the kids were starting to dose off. "My wife and I had a very intimate relationship, often times lasting for days or even weeks without food. Neither of us ever had intercourse in any way, shape, or form outside of marriage, and the special treasure was saved for each other. I sure did have to work to avoid those gorgeous Hufflepuffs like the plague, but in reality, they were no more attractive than any Ravenclaw I had met in my days, they just presented themselves differently. Be careful on how you present yourselves, children, or you could end up like professor Nettle."

Lily giggle as Professor Binns floated over to his chair, and the kids laughed at the joke about their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher from that year. Lily got up quickly and stood in front of the students.

"First, I would like to present my dear friend and roommate, Alice Prewett, and her boyfriend of nearly a year, Frank Longbottom. They have a marvelous relationship, and it's just adorable how much they love each other."

Alice and Frank got up and walked to where Lily had sat and Alice started to speak as Lily took her seat besides James, who reached over and patted her arm gently with a smile. "Good job." He said quietly. She rolled her eyes and focused her attention on the back of Alice's head as she spoke.

"You see, sex is really wonderful, right Frank?"

"Most definitely, Al. If you can, find someone flexible."

"Hufflepuffs are often flexible, but they are also terrible at actually getting it in successfully, if you know what I mean." Alice said. "Bad aim on the pitch means also having bad aim in bed."

Lily paled as she heard her friend speak, and knew it could only get worse form there.

"You know, I've had sexual encounters with nearly half the Hufflepuff house- the older students, not the younger ones, I think all of last years graduating Hufflepuffs actually fucked me. I was the cause of quite a few fights, maybe even an expulsion at one point, now that I think of it, and so many memorable things happened in the forest. You know, I'm the reason it's forbidden."

Frank stood besides her and blushed and all the third year's jaws dropped in horror, a few of them looking like they were on the verge of tears.

"Drunk sex is pretty fun, too. If you ever want to loose your virginity, do it that way. Because when it's drunk, it's with a hunk. Even if it's not actually with a hunk, it's easier to fantasize. There are so many more benefits to it, and I promise you that it will be worth it in the long run. Also, getting high and having sex, that's always _such_ a joy ride. And I'm not talking about potions high, I'm talking about that muggle shit. The natural stuff, the Hufflepuffs always have plenty of it. Buy it from them.

"Now, really there are approximately three different kinds of fucking, and if you do any one of them you technically loose your virginity. There's oral, intercourse, and butt fucking. I'm really here to give you a brief run down of them all, and Sirius and Remus will be going more into butt sex after me, and then Lily and James will be finishing up with many of the dangers of sex, and also how to take your relationships slowly, so, let's start. Frankie-poo, would you like to talk about oral?"

Frank looked like he wasn't breathing. Alice looked at him and her eyes got wide. "Well, I suppose I'll do it."

"I… I…" He coughed loudly clearing his throat.

"Oh, frank, you're embarrassed. I'm sorry. Uhm… well… I'll continue then. Oral sex is when one partner - or more-" She said with a big elaborated wink- "use their tongues to stimulate the other's genitals."

"So hot…." Slughorn whispered from the back of the room. The third year beside him looked up and scooted away quickly, afraid she would get raped.

"You see, the tongue is a very useful tool. It's useful while kissing- It's called French kissing when you use your tongue- and it's useful to turn someone on. Oh, I should also tell you about the bases. First base is French kissing, second base is upper body, you know groping the breasts and stuff, third base is lower body which could involve oral or hand jobs and fingering and all that fun- _so much freaking fun_- stuff. And when you get it home, it's intercourse.

"Anal sex is when the man put's his penis up someone's butt. It can be a man or a woman's asshole, and it's actually quite nice. I've had a few experiences with butt sex, but most of the guys I did it with all have boyfriends now. Two of them are actually dating each other now, damned Hufflepuffs. Ladies, if a man ever gives you a strap on to shove up their ass, say no. Break up with them. They are most likely gay. Men, do it yourselves, please.

"Also, there's intercourse. You know, now that I think about it, I've only ever had sober sex with Frank. That's how good he is. I mean, I've had drunk sex with him too, some pretty fucking _wild_ drunk sex, but I've also had sober sex, and that's really saying something, because and those Ravenclaw parties, the _rave_ parties, not the stoner ones where they just talk about ethics and think of more ways to use felix felicis to make elicit potions while high, the ones where every one gets wasted, and it's just one _giant_ orgy and it's _so_ _hot_. I can only imagine if Gryffindor's could do that shit…"

Lily started to blush as Alice went on, telling more stories about the Hufflepuffs and her experiences with them.

"Now, although the Ravenclaw's have some pretty hot orgies, the Hufflepuffs make good threesomes; however, if there's more than that, they get distracted and it's not so fun. One in the front, one in the back, and ooh, god, just thinking about that turns me on, and I'm not even drunk! Hell yeah, that's how you know it's good. When you remember it even when you were crazy ass wasted, and when you remember it and it turns you on."

Alice stood for a moment, staring into the space and smiling like the Cheshire cat. Lily was tempted to stand up and make her sit down, but she waited for a moment too long, and Alice had started speaking again as she was about to stand.

"Frank is most definitely the best lover I've ever had. And that's saying something because I've had a lot of lovers, sure I can't remember all of them, but I know its happened. Just don't ask how. I guess, I can just feel it…"

"Thank you Alice!" Lily exclaimed, jumping up from her seat. "Next, we have Sirius and Remus going on to talk about Anal sex." She pushed Alice back into her seat and Sirius and Remus stood and smiled awkwardly.

"Butt fucking." Sirius said.

"Anal Sex, as the more elegant way to put it." Remus added on.

"Elegance is not in my vocabulary, you retard. Now, turn around and let me slither in on into you." He said. "Butt sex goes a bit like this."

McGonagall visibly paled as she watched the scene in front of her.

"You pull out your snake, pull down your fuckee's pants, preferably in a broom closet, because those are always very nice places, third floor is where the Gyrffindor's usually go. Currently, the record for most fucks in a year is for Molly Prewett and Arthur Weasley. They hit one hundred and six, without staying during holidays, _and_ that's only in the closet."

"Which, is pretty freaking impressive." Remus said.

"Anyways, to butt fuck someone you just pull out your snake, add some lube, and shove it up their ass then thrust, thrust, and thrust." He said in synchrony with his thrusting with clothes on. Lily visibly paled once again and James started to snicker beside her.

"Add some spanking…" Sirius said as he did what he was saying, "and it's golden brown!"

"Oh, Sirius, just slither in there all day!"

"Oh, I just love slithering in you, Remus. It just makes me so fucking hard!"

"Oh, by the way, we aren't actually gay." Remus added to the third years, who, once again, were in shock.

"I'm reminded why we call you Moony!" Sirius exclaimed.

"I think we should call you slither instead of Padfoot, love!" Remus jabbed back.

"Let me join!" Peter exclaimed, jumping up and standing behind Sirius as he started to thrust with them.

"And this is how men have threesomes!"

"Choo-Choo!"

Lily giggled and turned to James, "Is this what you walk in on when you go back to your old dormitory?"

"Oh, you have no idea." James winked. Lily laughed again and then focused her attention on the boys.

There was a scream from the back of the room and everyone looked to see a small first year, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Shit." Lily whispered.

She stood up and the kid ran out of the room, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Choo choo!" Remus said, ignoring the child who had just ruined his threesome.

"I like slithering!" Sirius exclaimed.

"I hate Slytherins!" Peter jabbed.

"No, stupid, _slithering_. With an 'I' you do-do bird!" Sirius siad.

"Ahh, yess. Slithering is very fun." Peter said.

"Now, you do this until you get bored, and then call it a day. Remember to always use the contraceptive spells that are on the hand outs you will be getting after the assembly." Remus said as he hopped off the train to speak to the younger kids. Sirius and Peter were still going at it though.

"You want to be careful not to get AIDS, and if you can't remember a spell don't be-"

"Spank me, Petey!"

"Ashamed to ask the one you are about to have intercourse with. Another way of gay men having sex is sixty-nineing. Even though that's not strictly for gay people, it's good if you don't have a lot of lube." Remus said. "Would you do the honors, Sirius and Peter."

"Yes, we would love to corrupt the young impressionable minds, thank you very much." Sirius said as he got on the ground. "No Pete, I'M on top!"

"Sorry." he squeaked as he got on his back.

Sirius put his head in Peter's crotch and his crotch in Peter's face.

"Sixty Nine is a sex position where both partners can stimulate the other's genitals with their mouths." Remus looked over at Peter and Sirius, feeling very awkward, so he decided to save their asses. "There's not much to talk about with this one, except it's crispy and salty, so I'll let us move on with the show."

"Hufflepuff's are crazy good at sixty-nineing." Sirius said. "But that and anal is about all they're good at."

"Yeah, they may be attractive but they suck at hand jobs." Peter said, trying to throw his own two-cents in.

The three boys stood there awkwardly, with nothing else to say, until Peter piped up.

"And toothpaste is not good if you run out of lube." Peter said. "it makes it even… more… difficult…" he muttered before blushing and looked at the ground.

Sirius and Remus gave him a look that screamed 'what the fuck do you do when we're not around?' and then walked backwards and sat in their seats.

Frank stood up again and smiled at everyone. "I'm going to give you a few tricks to remember different STDs. Humping Hufflepuffs have herpes and hepatitis. Herpes itch sometimes, so if you have sex with a Hufflepuff, then you feel itchy, go to Madam Pomfrey. It may not be herpes, it may be crabs, but still go. She has magical potions that will fix _everything_. Another one is, when you fuck one wearing green, as in Slytherins, yeah?, then green will come out. Sort of like, what goes in must come out. If you have green discharge, its Gonorrhea and go to Madame Pomfrey. She'll cast a spell and give you a potion, and you'll be better in no time. Sneaky Slytherins signify syphilis. I promise if you fuck a Nicholas, you will get a brown rash from syphilis. Now, thank you, If you think you might have an STD do not be afraid to go and talk to Madam Pomfrey. Out of all the professors, she is the most understanding, and she will never judge you. Thank you for listening."

He backed away and sat down besides Alice, and for the first time in the past two hours, everyone clapped for someone. Frank blushed and Alice smiled proudly at her boyfriend, and took his hand. He kissed her cheek.

"Thanks for the cues."

"You're welcome, love." She giggled.

"Well, now that we know about anal sex, oral sex, horny Hufflepuffs, and STD's, let's talk about dating. James and I will pretend we're on a date, and it will show respect, and how to take things slowly and responsibly."

Lily conjured up a table and two chairs and sat down in one across from where James sat down.

"Hello, Ms. Evans, how are you this evening."

"Oh, I'm good, Mr. Potter, you?"

"Just peachy." He said. "I love midnight thunderstorms."

"They scare me."

"You're just a little pussy then."

"It's not my fault I was born with one." She said, her tone suddenly getting harsh.

"And it's not my fault you have warts on it." James said in an equally rude tone.

"It's not my fault your penis is so small my owl thought it was a treat last night and tried to eat it." Lily snapped back, not missing a beat.

"You smell like vomit."

"Yeah, but you would give the world to suck it!"

"Like you wouldn't give the world to suck my lollipop!" James slammed his hands on the table and stood up.

"You don't know what I would give the world for!" Lily exclaimed, following his lead my standing up.

"Wanna bet?"

"Yes." The table suddenly set fire by one of the two's uncontrolled magic.

"You would give the world for anyone who was fucking rude enough to you to make you cry!"

"Shut up James, you know nothing about my life!"

A third year in the from leaned over to her friend, "This is supposed to show respect?"

"Shove a bottle up your ass, Evans!"

"Shove Sirius's snake up _yours_."

James stared at her for a moment then smirked.

"Shove a cactus up _yours."_

"Shove a vibrator up yours and then get it suctioned in and have Remus accio it out! Oh wait… THAT HAPPENED LAST FUCKING NIGHT!"

James blushed. "No it didn't!"

"Yes it did!"

"That was Peter!" James quipped back.

Everyone gasped and looked at Peter who blushed and hunched down in his seat, even though it was at the front of the classroom.

"I think I might vomit." Lily said, turning her back to James and walking towards a window to get a little fresh air.

"I was joking, Evans!" James exclaimed, following her.

"Prove it." She turned around to face him and then realized he was less than a centimeter away from her.

"Fine." He said. His breath lingered in the air for a moment.

He pushed her against the wall and started kissing her. She almost gave in to him, before biting his bottom lip as hard as she could.

"Ow, ow, ow, fuck it, Evans!"

"ENOUGH!" McGonagall exclaimed. "You two, separate now! Separate corners immediately!"

"Sorry, Potter. I don't want your Hufflepuff mouth herpes," Lily jibed. "Or your Slytherin Syphilis for that matter."

"And I don't want your Gryffindor Gonorrhea from that douche you went out with last year."

Lily narrowed her eyes at him.

"Class dismissed, fifty six points from Gryffindor for completely inappropriate behavior for the past two hours!" McGonagall exclaimed.

"Best Sexual Education class of my life." Slughorn said to himself before getting up and walking away.

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><p>"I think we need to speak to Frank about skipping his prefect duties to snog with Alice in the third floor broom closet." James said as he sat down beside Lily at breakfast the next morning. "He hasn't done any of his rounds this week, and the portrait next to the closet said that he and Alice were becoming obsessive with the closet. Completely inappropriate."<p>

"James, like you wouldn't do the same thing if you had a girlfriend." Lily said, scraping the butter onto her toast loudly.

"Maybe if you said yes, I would have a girlfriend." James mumbled.

"Sorry, I didn't hear what you just said," Lily replied as she finished buttering toast.

"Lily, I've been wondering…"

"Yes, James?"

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

"As long as you promise not to give me your Slytherin syphilis."

"I promise not to give you Slytherin syphilis."

"Then Yes. I'll be your girlfriend."

James smiled as he piled his plate with eggs and potatoes. Lily gave him the salt before he asked, and then she had the pepper held out for him before he asked for that too. She was happy.


End file.
